Double-Edged Sword…

It’s 9:29 PM, and I’m writing for the first time since the 18th. Why? Because, this is the first I’ve felt well enough to trudge over to my laptop (since Saturday). For me, it’s been one downhill battle after another lately.

But first let me tell you that last Friday I was fortunate enough to pick up my oldest Granddaughter to spend the night with me and Papa! Boy, we sure have been missing her, and we were beyond excited!

When we got to our house, the first thing she did was open her little suitcase and pull out all the beautiful pictures that she had colored for us. She said, “Grandma, these are for your refrigerator!” In which I told her that they were definitely refrigerator worthy!

Friday night was great! We did crafts, colored, played games and watched movies. However, it was also the night I had to take “3” chemo pills. I felt safe doing this, since they don’t usually start attacking my body too harshly until late Saturday… and for the most part this was true. Except that as Saturday morning progressed I started feeling weak, and light headed. In fact, let me just be honest when I say that I took a big ole tumble over my big ole dog, whom was laying across our kitchen floor.

My granddaughter was trying very hard not to laugh as Grammy tumbled against our pantry. And, I want to warn you right now, that oak cabinets are HARD. I highly suggest you don’t fall into them. I’m sure I looked completely hilarious with my two feet facing upright toward the heavens. At this point, Hubs was trying to help me get up, which normally would be fine, except he’s just one month in from major back surgery. So, I fought him off, because I was worried he’d damage his back even further. On that note, I’m literally grabbing for something in the empty air to hold onto to lift my fat butt off the floor. It was quite the vision, let me tell you. 

From there, Samara and I had to run to the store for a few groceries. While driving 5 miles down the road to the nearest grocery store, she was talking to me about all the important things going on in her 10-year-old life. At that moment, her words started drifting. Not because I wasn’t interested, because I surely am. But I was having a very hard time focusing. And my head was beginning to pound.

Following our grocery store stint, we came back home to color. Even that task was difficult, which is very unusual… because coloring is high up on my list of fun activities. I seriously love to color.

Due to the sledge hammer pounding against my head, I suggested that we go into the family room to watch a movie. She nestled into the couch, and I snuggled into my lazy-boy. I was asleep within 5 minutes. I totally missed Woody Woodpecker… but luckily Papa was there to laugh along with her. He was also there to drive her home afterwards; thank God, because I was now feeling extremely nauseated. All in all, … I was darn ticked OFF.

So here is my brief synapse:

  • Week one: I took my first pill (as in singular… ONE pill). The next day, I told Hubs that I was feeling darn good! I told him this as I was sweeping our kitchen floor. Then I bopped down to the basement and cleaned Georgie’s kitty litter box. Then I came upstairs and started doing dishes! Woot Woot! And then I realized I spoke too soon, because around 3pm, I started feeling sick. No… I started feeling worse than sick. By 2:00AM I was up puking, and I pretty much puked all day Sunday. In fact, … I puked until 5:00 PM that night. 
  • Week two: I took two pills.  And, by Saturday night I was weak, headachy, and sick to my stomach… which followed me thru Sunday.  But here’s the good news: I didn’t throw up! Not. At. All. So, as bad as Sunday was I got through it! Yay ME!!!  The rest of the week was good!
  • Week three: (See blog post) … but let me add that as much as I’d like to say that while Hubs was taking Samara home, I was busy tidying up the house… that didn’t happen. The truth is, I was just too sick, and I went directly to bed instead.

And bed is where I’ve been since. In fact, my headache didn’t dissipate until about 9PM tonight. And guess what? It’s coming back. I’m scared to death to go to bed like this, because I’m afraid to wake up in the morning to more of this crap. This is where the double-edged sword comes in. I’m damned if I do, and damned if I don’t. 

My issue this week is that I’ve been sick since Saturday! That’s 4 days out of my week so far. And while I was drinking my smoothie tonight (because solid foods don’t agree with my tummy right now), I grabbed my pill case, and noticed the red “C” marked on my Friday PM tab. Which stands for “Chemo”.  I mentioned to hubs that tomorrow is Wednesday already! Which means I only have three days left before I must take these stupid pills again!

All I can say is I better wake up tomorrow feeling good, because this is really ruining my quality of life. I’m one heck of a fighter, and I WILL declare victory over this if it’s the LAST THING I DO. But give me a break! Not only are all these thoughts becoming a tidal wave in my brain, I also have my test results boggling me. I have a standing order at the hospital to get my bloodwork done every two weeks. And, I received my last test results on the 25th. They are on the “low side” of the normal markers (ranges). Therefore, this shows me that it’s beginning to work. All I can do now is to pray that my body starts getting used to this. 

It’s a double-edged sword.

So, wish me luck. I’m heading to bed now with a slight headache, and I’m begging God that I’ll have a normal day tomorrow. I would love to write without my head being so foggy. I’d love to bake some cookies and read some of my book. I’d enjoy having a conversation with Hubs, because I’ve barely been able to talk! I would love to have a bit of sunshine instead of another cloudy day. 

So, for all of you out there who are struggling… and who are so sick that you’re having a difficult time functioning… please know you aren’t alone. When I close my eyes tonight, I will be saying a prayer for you to receive comfort and peace. I’ll be praying that you are healed, and that you wake up in the morning with a renewed sense of joy and happiness. 

God bless each of you, 








Healthy smoothies for the sick:


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