… and sometimes it is enough.

“When hope is fleeting, stop for a moment and visualize, in a sky of silver, the crescent of a lavender moon. Imagine it — delicate, slim, precise, like a paper-thin slice from a cabochon jewel.

It may not be very useful, but it is beautiful.

And sometimes it is enough.” ― Vera Nazarian

I remember back when I was dating my husband, he walked into my apartment and handed me a small bag of goodies from his sister.

“What’s this?” I asked.

“I don’t know, it’s from Gail.”

I opened the bag up, and to my surprise… it was lavender creams, lotions, etc. I can’t tell you how much it meant to me during that time in my life, because I just didn’t have the extra money to spend on these little luxuries. After thanking her, she explained to me that she didn’t know if I’d like them or not? But, she could no longer use them. So instead of throwing them out, she gave them to me. Well, let me just say I was ecstatic!

Which brings me to yesterday. Once again, I woke up with a sick migraine. And, once again I spent the entire day in bed trying to get rid of it (and trying not to throw up). I can’t remember what time hubs walked in to tell me that my sister-n-law and brother-n-law were coming over for a visit. But, I do remember looking up at him half asleep, smiling and replying, “Aww” and rolling back over to my side.

Lights out.

I was in a deep sleep when my late afternoon alarm went off, YELLING at me that it was time for my next dosage of pills.

Meds.

Cocktail of drugs…

Whatever you want to call them.

So, what did I do after turning my loser alarm off? Well, I rolled over onto my back, and stared up at our ceiling fan. And, with each round of the blades I pondered:

  • Do I want to chance standing up?
  • How bad is my head going to pound?
  • Will I make it to the bathroom if I throw up?
  • Should I just text hubs to bring me my pills?
  • Crap… I can’t. I have to eat something with these pills.
  • Oh, my sweet Lord, I caaaaaan’t eat. I don’t waaaaaant to eat.
  • I’m going to throw up.

Let’s just say that it took me about a good 10 minutes to pull myself out of bed. And, when I inched closer to my bedroom door I heard voices. “Oh yeah,” I thought. “Mick and Gail are here!”

Side note: This reminds me of one more thing… when a person is sick, they don’t care how they look. Yup, my vain days are over. I’ve gained 30#s since I started dating steroids, my hair is finally growing back (grey) since losing it, and my make-up? What make-up? Let’s just say that I look like death warmed over 90% of the time. And let’s just say that when a person is undeniably sick… they REALLY don’t care.

Anyway, I walked into the family room to grab my pills and was greeted by three smiling faces. It did my heart good. I just wish I could say that I felt well enough to visit with them for a while. But really? I was just too sick to visit (another sucky thing about chronic illness). But at least my in-laws have loving hearts and understand my current circumstances.

Before heading into the kitchen to figure out what food my stomach could handle with these pills, my brother-n-law told me that they had brought dinner for us. Aww… they are the best. I adore my in-laws. So, into the kitchen I went, and raisin bran was selected as my food of choice. Ick. I hate raisins more than anything. But… I decided on this delicacy because my meds are also binding me up. Actually… I “may” be going on my third day of not going #2 (y’all know what that means). Cringe.

… and back to my prison… I mean, bedroom I went.

Forward wind to later that night… I woke up, and my headache had dissipated enough that I thought I could handle sitting in my lazy-boy to visit with hubs (watch TV). When I walked out there he told me that there was chili on the stovetop if I was hungry. Ohhhhh, how I love Gail’s chili!!! But I wasn’t sure my stomach could handle it, so my dinner became a couple cheese slices and soda crackers. So depressing. While eating my third cracker, I remembered my Rheumy telling me how important it was that I eat foods full of healthy nutrients. Guilt.

How on earth am I supposed to do that when I can’t stomach food? And how on earth am I 30#s overweight when I can barley eat? I hate you prednisone! Okay, I’ll start eating healthier tomorrow when my tummy feels better. (Mind you, this is a daily/nightly conversation I have with myself).

When I went into the kitchen to put my crackers back in the cabinet, I noticed a little white bag sitting next to my oven. “What’s this?” I thought. When I opened it, there was the loveliest of gifts. Lavender hand soap, body scrubs, and spray! And, the most beautiful thing of all? Gail personally made the scrubs and spray for me. I opened the jar and took a big whiff. Ohhhhh my, it smells heavenly. I immediately take the spray down to our bedroom and spray it over our pillowcases. Not only were these gifts generous, but I truly think they’ll help my head. Maybe they will ease me into sleep, and help my brain not succumb to these evil migraines. Who knows? But I DO know that I’ll be enjoying them immensely.

Those are my favorite gifts of all. Gifts from the heart. The kind of gifts that you just know someone is doing because they care about you. That is love my friends. That is family.

For all of those out there who are suffering, I just want to remind you what a gift you are. There is a reason you are here, there is a reason we ALL are here. Sick or not, we have to remember that God has a plan for us. Sick or not, we still need to strive to enjoy our life. And, I assure you that I understand just how hard that can be sometimes. But we have each other, and we can move forward together.

… and sometimes it is enough.

Find the beauty… find the blessing,

-Su

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