I’m having an “I’m sick of it all” weekend…in more ways than one. I’m once again sicker thank sick, and I’m also “sick of” the quality of my life sucking. I’m sorry, but it’s the truth. I’m in the habit of counting my blessings and thanking God for all the positives in my life. I believe it’s a habit we should all get into. But sometimes it reality hits me. That being said, I still have faith that I’m going to go into remission AND reverse this disease.
I was fortunate to have my grandkids the last few weeks. I got my Samara, then Gracie-Lou, then Ti’Anna, and Jaxon spent the night on Thursday. It was awesome! The beginning of last week was stocked full of Dr.’s appointments, procedures, and test at the hospital. I started coming down with a cold and was afraid I’d be too sick to watch tater-tot. But, I talked to Jen (my daughter-n-law) and she said it was fine if I still watched him. At this point I wasn’t that bad. But by the time I dropped him off on Friday, I was really beginning to feel ill. My entire drive back home was filled with visions of all the activities I dreamed I’d be doing with my grandbabies someday. I started getting more and more depressed wondering if I’d ever get the strength to do everything I wanted to do with them? And how will I be when Josh has children?
By the time I got home I was exhausted. I went directly to bed and started crying. Hubs came in and said, “Are you ok honey? Are you getting sicker?” He held my hand and felt my head. “Do you have a fever?” I started crying even more when he bent down to give me a big bear hug. I don’t cry very often, so when I let out a stream of tears… it’s usually something. I told him I felt sicker and that I needed to rest up. I told him I wasn’t sure if I was running a fever (I’m really horrible about checking that). But the main reason I was crying was because I truly believed the second half of my life was going to be better than the first half (I’ve had a very traumatic life) and I was looking forward to my second half being active with my grandchildren. I dreamed of having them over whenever they wanted, and of my house being filled to the brim with my grandbabies. I’m so blessed to get to live so close to them, that I’m able to get them when I’m able. But in no way, is it as often as I’d like. After a while, I finally drifted off to sleep, and I literally slept from the time I dropped Jax off, until this morning. It was obviously needed. Yes, you read right. I slept from about 5:30PM on Friday, all through Saturday, and woke up this morning. The only time I got up was to take my meds, eat a little something so I wouldn’t get sick, and go potty. My life in a nutshell. Me closed up in a dark bedroom, with the sun shining outside. This is my favorite time of the year, with the crisp breeze, and flowers popping out everywhere. Not to mention the dark grounds turning to a bright green.
Ok… enough of that, I’m depressing myself even further! Time to turn it around!
Today I want to talk about “The Weight of it All”. I’ve spoken to you before about my health-quest. I strongly believe the best medicine in the world is nutrition. But I must admit, that I’ve never really believed it until I got sick. I equated health to being thin and active. And I was both. I would go on health splurges, and try the newest diet, etc. But for the most part I darn well ate what I wanted. And I could. However, when you’re ill, you have a lot of time to think. And I believe I “got” Lupus because of stress, and my lack of eating nutritional foods. As I said above, I now think that heathy foods, are our best medicine. In saying that, I also have to admit that it’s very hard for me to eat healthy when I’m sick. The last thing I want to do is get up and cook, so instead I go to the cupboard and grab my husband’s junk food, or some cereal. So, my quest is to plan better. I love healthy food, so it’s all about making sure I have some things I can quickly grab. That way when I’m too sick to cook, I can still find a healthy alternative. Then when I’m having my good days, I can try new recipes. Below I’m going to share the things I’ll be changing (as soon as I’m healthy enough to go to the store), please read along if you’re interested in this topic.
Mindset: The first thing I’m going to work on is my mindset. When I think about all my upcoming health battles, and how much weight I want to lose, I shut down. Most people would look at me right now and say, “You’re not that overweight”. “Yes, you’re overweight, but you’re not like a lot of people”. But here’s the thing… I am. And I’m miserable. When I think about what I have to lose, it overwhelms me, and I shut down. “What’s the use? It’s just one endless battle after another”. But God continues to push me in this direction, so I can’t help but think that once I get my nutrition in control, it will either allow me to go into remission or it will cure me.
So, I need to stop thinking of the big picture. One day at a time, one hour at a time. That’s where I’m heading. The only thing I can do is focus on what I put in my mouth when I’m hungry and proceed from there. If I have healthy alternatives, this will make my life easier.
How many of you have husbands (or wives) who like their “junk”? And I’m not just talking about chips and candy? I’m talking about any foods that are processed and full of fat. Even homemade ones? It seems with most couples there’s one spouse/partner who craves these kinds of foods and snacks, and the other one who strives to eat healthy. In my relationship it has always been me who strove for healthier alternatives. It makes it near impossible, doesn’t it?
If Hubs and I are coming home from one of our appointments, he will automatically steer into the nearest McDonalds… and when I think about having to cook, I’m secretly glad he did (out of pure laziness on my part). And of course, I order the cheeseburger and fries instead of a salad. And If I did get a salad, I’d be drenching it with processed salad dressings. Because the fattening dressings seem to be the only one’s I like. That along with the bacon bits and cheese… I might as well of had the cheeseburger. So now what? I guess I’ll have to aim for the salad, pick off the junk, and lean toward oil and vinegar dressing? Do they even have that at McDonalds? Or quit being so lazy and make myself something when I get home. Because I really haven’t heard of a healthy drive-thru.
I’ve also decided to keep almonds in my console, to nibble on when I’m in dire hunger mode. Lol. I’ll get the portion-controlled packets… because I definitely don’t want to overdo on this healthy snack. Almonds improve the health of my arteries and will reduce my inflammation. They also support healthy brain function and help with my blood sugar levels (among many other health benefits). Plus, I LOVE them (hence portion controlled pkts… or portion control them myself in Ziploc bags).
Weight worry: This probably sounds counteractive to you, but I’m not going to worry about my weight right now. Why? Because I believe if you eat healthy, your weight will automatically come off. And, because I’m still on steroids! Which makes it near impossible not to gain. I get weighed every time I go to the Dr.’s, so I’ll find out if I’m losing weight or not, and I’ll keep you all posted. The most important thing to me right now is fighting disease by eating nutrition.
Diet: My diet is going to consist of not eating any processed foods, or sugar (unless in its natural form). Scary huh? And what’s worse is that I (personally) can’t eat meat anymore. I never thought I say that. Meat has always been the main staple of my diet, but it’s been making me feel sick to my stomach. It doesn’t matter what kind it is, beef, pork, or chicken… when I eat it, it makes me feel ill, unless it’s smothered with so much fattening stuff that I can’t even taste it. Just thinking about meat, gives me the shivers. Ick.
Oddly, for the first time in my life, I’m not going on a diet. Yup! No Atkins, no Keto, no WW, no protein shake diets, no nothing. I’m going to eat very basically at first. I’m also going to take note on how the different foods are making me feel. I’ll be keeping a personal journal, and my food will consist of vegetables, fruits, nuts, oils, unleavened homemade breads, beans, soy or almond milk, small amounts of cheeses, and agave, honey, or 100% pure maple syrup as sweetener. I’m not saying I’ll never eat meat again… I’m saying I can’t right now. Gulp.
With that being said, I had to research new ways to get my protein. If you are interested, I found this link to be very beneficial: http://www.health.com/health/gallery/0,,20718479,00.html#more-than-just-meat-0
Drinks: Another thing that is making me feel sick to my stomach is coffee. Anyone who knows me, KNOWS that coffee has been my number one staple. I drank it from sunrise until I crawled into bed. However, now I haven’t even been able to stomach my first cup until late morning, and one cup is about all I can handle without feeling nauseated. Ohhhhhhhhh how I miss my coffee and smelling the beautiful aroma of it brewing all day long. Besides one cup of java in the morning, I’ll be swapping my coffee for water, hot water, or hot water with lemon. I’ll also be throwing in some teabags for when I get caffeine withdrawals; which often equal a migraine for me. The hardest thing for me will be giving up my Diet Coke.
Exercise: I can’t worry about exercise right now unfortunately. This still hurts me a great deal. I was very active. I went to the gym often, worked out at home, punched the bag, did Zumba, yoga, and other classes that sounded fun at the time. But right now, any time I try to exercise, I get very ill. My lungs and heart can’t take it. So, I’ll move when I can, and sleep when I need to. Movement will be: walking, doing squats at the kitchen sink, and dancing to my vacuum, when I’m even able to do that. Lol.
I’m hoping once I get my weight off, I’ll be able to do more. But to be honest, I don’t know if I will or not? Getting severely sick after working out was one of the first symptoms of something being seriously wrong with me, and it also started causing me so much pain after working out that I could barely walk. So, for me, my main goal right now is to eat for health. I understand there will be times I won’t have a choice; i.e., dinner parties, vacations. But when I’m home and able, these are my goals.
Along with keeping up with my personal journal, I’m hoping to share my highlights and trials on my blogpost. I will add them to the bottom of my post, so that those of you who aren’t interested, can skip it entirely.
That’s it for today (or tonight). It’s time for me to go lay down for a tad. I pray you’re enjoying this absolutely BEAUTIFUL day! It’s gorgeous outside!
God Bless each and every one of you!