Behind the mask…

“The following post contains material relating to Psychopathy/Sociopathy/Anti-social personality.” So, if you are not interested in this subject, stay tuned for my next blog post! God bless all of you!”  -Su

Note: “Psychopathy and Sociopathy are BOTH Anti-Social personality disorders.

Psychopathy is used when the underlying cause is hereditary.

Sociopathy is used when the anti-social behavior is caused by brain injury or negative sociological factors.” -djffen.com

 

The eyes of a psychopath will deceive you, they will destroy you. They will take from you, your innocence, your pride and eventually your soul. These eyes do not see what you and I can see. Behind these eyes, one finds only blackness, the absence of light. These are of a psychopath.” ― Dr. Samuel Loomis

sociopath

Photo from YouTube.com

Quick question: “Does he look like a monster? Because Ted Bundy WAS a monster”.

It’s not you, no you’re not crazy, and there’s a reason you decided to read this blog today. First and foremost, I want you to know that you’re a special person, that God loves you, and he wants to protect you. Education is one tool among many, towards protection.

Ephesians 6:10-18 New American Standard Bible (NASB)

The Armor of God

10 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of His might. 11 Put on the full armor of God, so that you will be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil. 12 For our struggle is not against [a]flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places. 13 Therefore, take up the full armor of God, so that you will be able to resist in the evil day, and having done everything, to stand firm. 14 Stand firm therefore, having girded your loins with truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, 15 and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace; 16 [b]in addition to all, taking up the shield of faith with which you will be able to extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17 And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

18 [c]With all prayer and petition [d]pray at all times in the Spirit, and with this in view, [e]be on the alert with all perseverance and petition for all the saints,

 

For 13 years I’ve worked as a Christian Life Coach, and I’ve been an advocate against Domestic Violence and Abuse for 18 years. I learned many years ago to turn my trials into my testimony, and that is what I’ve always promoted to my clients. I’ve listened to women’s stories, hugged them as they sobbed, drove them to safety, and led them to professionals that could start rebuilding their souls. As a Christian, I believe that marriage is a covenant between your spouse, you, and God. I take my vows very seriously, as does my husband. But I am not a stranger to domestic violence and the hell it creates for the victim(s) i.e. wife or husband, and children. It is true that both men and women commit domestic violence, however I have only professionally worked with female victims. When suggesting a therapist or counselor to my clients I strongly urge women to go women therapist, and men to go to men therapist. And let me just add: It is my belief that God does NOT promote, nor wish for anyone to STAY in a relationship where DV is involved, or anti-social personality, and/or both.

Although the last 2 years I’ve had to take a time-out from my career due to illness, I have not stopped using my voice to advocate. Or my words to educate. I hope this will bring awareness to a very unpopular topic.

I’ve written about DV (Domestic Violence) in the past; however, today I want to write about Anti-Social personality. Below you’ll find information from different websites, some excerpts, some quotes, a test, and much more. I hope that this will help those of you who are need of truth. (I’ve included all the links at the very end of my blog.)

Do not allow yourself to become prey to these people. And if you are? Get out of the relationship safely, and smartly.

First off, I want you to know that you’re not alone with your feelings, and/or your questions. I can promise you this.

In the book The Sociopath Next Door Martha Stout, Ph.D. say’s:

“Crazy and frightening – and real, in about 4 percent of the population”.

[excerpt] “Imagine – if you can – not having a conscience, none at all, no feelings of guilt or remorse no matter what you do, no limiting sense of concern for the well-being of strangers, friends, or even family members. Imagine no struggles with shame, not a single one in your whole life, no matter what kind of selfish, lazy, harmful, or immoral action you had taken.

And pretend that the concept of responsibility is unknown to you, except as a burden other seem to accept without question, like gullible fools.

Now add to this strange fantasy the ability to conceal from other people that your psychological makeup is radically different from theirs. Since everyone simply assumes that conscience is universal among human beings, hiding the fact that you are conscience-free is nearly effortless.

You are not held back from any of your desires by guilt or shame, and you are never confronted by others for your cold-bloodedness. The ice water in your veins is so bizarre, so completely outside of their personal experience that they seldom even guess at your condition.

In other words, you are completely free of internal restraints, and your unhampered liberty to do just as you please, with no pangs of conscience, is conveniently invisible to the world.

You can do anything at all, and still your strange advantage over the majority of people, who are kept in line by their consciences, will most likely remain undiscovered.

How will you live your life?

What will you do with your huge and secret advantage, and with the corresponding handicap of other people (conscience)?

The answer will depend largely on just what your desires happen to be, because people are not all the same. Even the profoundly unscrupulous are not all the same. Some people – whether they have a conscience or not – favor the ease of inertia, while others are filled with dreams and wild ambitions. Some human beings are brilliant and talented, some are dull-witted, and most, conscience or not, are somewhere in between. There are violent people and nonviolent ones, individuals who are motivated by blood lust and those who have no such appetites. […]

Provided you are not forcibly stopped, you can do anything at all.

If you are born at the right time, with some access to family fortune, and you have a special talent for whipping up other people’s hatred and sense of deprivation, you can arrange to kill large numbers of unsuspecting people. With enough money, you can accomplish this from far away, and you can sit back safely and watch in satisfaction. […]

Crazy and frightening – and real, in about 4 percent of the population….” – Martha Stout, Ph.D.

How do you spot sociopathy? I suggest using the HARE Psychopathy checklist-revised. Below I’ve inserted the checklist for you:

(The UK deemed psychopathic with a score above 25, and the US; above 30)

hare checklist

There are 20 items on the list which score between 0 and 2 pts, depending on whether someone matches a trait, giving a total score of 40.

0: Doesn’t’ apply to the person at all.

1: It applies somewhat, meaning the trait is there, but it is not highly dominant in the person.

2: It fits perfectly, it defines dominant traits in character and/or behavior.

There are two different factors on this checklist:

Factor 1 pertains to what is often referred to as “Classic Psychopathy Characteristics”. This refers to the emotional or mental characteristics: the persons emotional makeup, thought process, how he/she feels, and the general mindset relating to these.

Factor 2 is what is sometimes referred to as “False Psychopathy Characteristics”. Which are the traits that portray their conduct i.e., their antisocial traits, aggressive deviant, criminal deviant, individual lifestyle, and actions and behavior.

You will find both in a psychopath. (Usually a high leaning toward Factor 1’s.)

 

We do not have to be mental health professionals to identify the traits of the possible sociopaths among us.”
P.A. Speers, Type 1 Sociopath – When Difficult People Are More Than Just Difficult People

 

Understand:

  • They do not all look like monsters, many of them are very good looking, sexy, intelligent, attractive men or women.
  • The majority of prison inmates are not psychopaths.
  • A man OR a woman can be a psychopath.
  • Not all psychopaths are killers.
  • Antisocial personality can be diagnosed in a child by the age of 15. (Lawbreaking, lying, irresponsibility, lack of empathy, aggressiveness, and irritability). If your child shows these characteristics I would suggest getting them into therapy ASAP. But I can tell you this, therapy doesn’t always help. But how as a parent, can you not try?
  • When you’re in a relationship with a psychopath, you will find yourself in the realms of joy mixed with anger and pain.
  • You WILL walk on eggshells.
  • Everything will be wonderful, and blissful, until suddenly it’s not. And for some reason it’s always your fault. Trust me, “it’s not your fault”. However, they WANT you to believe it is. They want you to believe that YOU caused the pain, YOU’VE done something wrong, it’s all YOUR fault. They will learn your vulnerabilities and use them against you.
  • Sociopathic World writes, “Sociopaths like to target victims that has some sort of wound, or damage that he can stick his finger in and play with. Being with damaged people is good for socio’s in two ways: 1) the playing, 2) the damaged person expects others to be damaged as well. So, socio’s don’t have to do as good a job of keeping up appearances i.e. can be more of their unapologetic selves”.
  • They are pro’s at turning people against you.
  • You think they love you… they don’t.
  • Psychopaths are incapable of empathy, but they can pretend to be empathetic.
  • They value relationships that benefit them, but have no problem taking advantage of close friends and/or family.

“Antisocial personality disorder signs and symptoms may include:

  • Disregard for right and wrong
  • Persistent lying or deceit to exploit others
  • Being callous, cynical and disrespectful of others
  • Using charm or wit to manipulate others for personal gain or personal pleasure
  • Arrogance, a sense of superiority and being extremely opinionated
  • Recurring problems with the law, including criminal behavior
  • Repeatedly violating the rights of others through intimidation and dishonesty
  • Impulsiveness or failure to plan ahead
  • Hostility, significant irritability, agitation, aggression or violence
  • Lack of empathy for others and lack of remorse about harming others
  • Unnecessary risk-taking or dangerous behavior with no regard for the safety of self or others
  • Poor or abusive relationships
  • Failure to consider the negative consequences of behavior or learn from them
  • Being consistently irresponsible and repeatedly failing to fulfill work or financial obligations” -Mayo Clinic

 

Power of Positivity had an article on their website called the 7 Warning Signs You’re in a Relationship with a Sociopath. I’ll quote them below for your viewing:

“1. A sociopath will break your boundaries.

Because they have no respect for the rights of others, a sociopath will act like you didn’t tell them not to do that thing that they just did. You may have tried to set boundaries by telling your partner what you like and don’t like, but they won’t respect them. A sociopath is focused on themselves and their desires, not yours.

Getting a sociopath to own up to their inconsiderate behavior is like pulling teeth, that is, painful. The nature of a sociopath makes them infallible in their own eyes. They did nothing wrong as far as they are concerned. A sociopath says that you must be the one who has problems if you want to try to control them like that.

  1. A sociopath will use threats and promises to manipulate you.

A sociopath promises rewards to you in exchange for a specific behavior from you. If you do __, they will love you forever, etc. Or alternatively, if you don’t do __, they will tell everyone some horrible secret about you, etc.

Your romantic partner should love you not if or when, but always and unconditionally. It should be a matter of your own free will to love them or not love them and for them to love you. When your partner puts conditions on receiving their love, it’s a warning sign that you’re in a relationship with a sociopath.

  1. A sociopath acts aggressively in frightening ways.

Your partner has actually scared you more than once with their behavior that is bordering on violent. Their anger can come from nowhere and erupt like a bomb. This can be one of the scariest parts of being in a relationship with a sociopath.

  1. You’re in a relationship with a sociopath if you feel unloved.

A sociopath is not capable of love, but they are capable of acting like they are in love. If you’ve ever felt a gut feeling that your partner was not truly happy, you might have a good reason to be worried.

  1. You’re in a relationship with a sociopath if your partner has more control than you do.

Your partner has access to the bank accounts, vehicles, keys, passwords, PIN numbers, credit cards, loans, etc. and you do not have control over much at all. A sociopath likes to have power and control over you and they will work to keep the balance of power on their side, not yours.

  1. A sociopath lies to everyone, including themselves.

It is not likely that you can argue your way out of a conversation with a sociopath. They know all the right words to say to convince you.

  1. You’re in a relationship with a sociopath if they don’t seem capable of change.”

… and I want to add one thing here, they may tell you they’ll change. They may tell you everything you want to hear to win you back. But they won’t change. They can’t keep their persona up for long.

“If, instead, you find yourself often pitying someone who consistently hurts you or other people, and who actively campaigns for your sympathy, the chances are close to 100 percent that you are dealing with a sociopath.”
Martha Stout, The Sociopath Next Door

 

love bombing

This photo was taken from Pinterest

I want to add another term here that many of you may not be aware of, it’s called, “Love bombing”. Sociopaths/Psychopaths/Anti Socials are PROFESSIONAL love bombers. (so are narcissist)

I do want to point out that the article below is more less talking about the beginning of your relationship with them, and how to spot them. But if you’re “in” a relationship or “married” to a sociopath you will notice many similarities. Because the love-bombing will come after terrible conflict. It comes when they know they’re inches away from losing you. So be on the lookout.

Excerpt from: datingasociopath.com, article “Seducing and Love Bombing“Love bombing is so called because of the constant bombardment of communication from the sociopath. This can take many forms. Excessive texting, constant comments on your social network page, emails, telephone calls, or just literally bombarding you verbally in face to face communication. He might overwhelm you with gifts and will constantly flatter you. It feels overwhelming, you are swept off your feet.

 

At first you will not perceive this as bombardment. You will initially be flattered that he is paying so much attention to you. He will leave you small love notes, send you sweet texts, it is like something from a movie. That’s because it is like that, it’s more fiction than reality.

Already he has assessed you, and he is now mirroring you, so he is reflecting back to you exactly what you want to hear. But he wants control over you. He wouldn’t have your full attention or control, if you were busy doing other things.

This is an important manipulation tool for a sociopath, love bombing does the following things.

  • It doesn’t give you time to think about what is really happening
  • It doesn’t give you time to spend with others
  • It isolates you
  • It gives a false impression of the sociopath, within a short space of time
  • It moves the relationship forward very quickly (often before you are ready)

 

Love bombing is effective, as it moves the relationship forward very quickly. You might spend 10 hours talking on a telephone conversation. Or might receive constant text messages during the day. Numerous emails, or Facebook contact.

 

This is mind control. The message that you receive is:

 

  • He is really keen on me
  • He really likes me, we have so many common interests
  • You have known him for far longer than you actually have

 

 It blinds you to reality

It is important for the sociopath to move the relationship forward very quickly. If he didn’t you might notice that there is a lack of friends from his past. You might notice that he doesn’t actually have a job. You might notice that he doesn’t actually earn what he says he does.

His motive is always control. By love bombing you, he effectively, in a very short space of time, has control over you. Ownership. He isolates you from other people. You can, within a very short space of time, feel that you have been with someone for 3 years, or that have that feeling that you have known this person all of your life. This gives you the false impression that this man is your soul mate. Someone special, that you do not want to let go of. It feels good.

Feel good factor

Having all this attention, will feel good. In your mind, you reason that this is the right person. This is special. This is my soul mate.  We rarely want to let go of that ‘feel good’ feeling. And not forgetting that a sociopath will often target someone who has needs, perhaps they are lonely. And he walks in and fulfills this part more than well.”

Within a short period of time, he will be staying at your place regularly. Your friends and family might raise an eyebrow at how quickly this has progressed. But you reassure them, thinking, ‘they do not know how this feels, it feels so absolutely RIGHT’.

Moving in

It won’t be long, and he will have moved in with you. Perhaps he was about to lose his place, or the person he was living with is difficult, and he isn’t happy. He is staying at yours so often, you think why not? You love his company…. he has become all the company you keep. And now, he has you exactly where he wants you. He has moved into your house. Now he has what he really wants, control.

You may be saying, “Well, this is all well and good Su… but how the heck do I get out of a relationship with him/her?”

It’s hard, and from my experience the repercussions can last a lifetime. But here are some things I recommend:

1)      Find a therapist you can trust, and who you feel comfortable with. If you go to an appointment and the two of you don’t mesh… than leave. There are many therapists out there, so find the one that is the right fit for you. This is very important to gain your strength AND to learn to trust again. Women, please go to a woman therapist. Men, please go to a man therapist. If you have children? Put them in therapy pronto.

2)      If you feel that you’re not safe, find a safe house, tell your therapist, tell your police agency, tell your parents, tell everyone. They need to know, because psychopaths/sociopaths have been known to carry thru on their threats.

3)      If they continue interfering in your life, get a PPO. Many times, PPO’s won’t keep you safe from the psychopath/sociopath, but it does leave documentation about that person.

4)      It doesn’t matter if your friends or family believe you. Trust me, psychopaths and sociopaths have a way of charming those around you. So be stronger than this. The truth usually always comes out, the important thing is YOUR SAFETY. So, go!

5)      “Understand that the sociopath is a different animal than the narcissist. The sociopath sees any conflict as a game, and the more distressed you become, the higher they climax. They are and always were incapable of listening to anything you had to say, but they will pay attention to all of your worst fears and they will take a mental note and use them all against you. So, maybe they do have some ability to listen, but they have no capacity for empathy. None. Nada. Zilch.” [ElephantJournal, How to Leave a Sociopath for Good]

6)      RESEARCH, RESEARCH, RESEARCH. Knowledge is Power (and strength for that matter).

7)      You don’t need constant confirmation from others to leave. You know in your gut the only time your relationship feels good is when they are love-bombing you. Or what we refer to in Violence cycles: The honeymoon stage. It won’t last.

8)      Don’t stay because of your apartment, your house, your bills, your children, because your broke, etc… ESPECIALLY YOUR CHILDREN!!! Get them out of there! If the courts, make you share custody (if you’re married) than SHAME ON THE COURT SYSTEM. Your kids are your priority. Even if they turn on you in the process. Don’t give up until they become adults and you’re legally unable to fight any longer. And, when that happens? Pray for them.

9)      Keep the phone numbers of hotlines in your wallet.

10)   “No contact. Ever. Ever. If you have children, change the contact header to read: No contact! Do not text. Do not take their phone calls. If they are indeed a sociopath, let’s hope you have full legal custody; if not, adhere to a strict schedule or do whatever it takes to abide by no contact. Think of any contact with this person as an illicit street drug. Count the days; count the hours, the minutes if you must. You will miss the texting wars. You will miss how things “used” to be. You must be strong”. [ElephantJournal, How to Leave a Sociopath for Good]

Before I end tonight, I want to add a picture of the cycle of violence that I use with clients:

cycle-of-violence3

I know tonight I weighed in on a heavy topic, but I will be promoting some of my advocacy work through my blog on occasion. In hopes and prayers that I may reach someone who is in dire need. There are so many people out there struggling, my friends. It is of the utmost importance that we reach out to them, in whatever way we’re able.

 “The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson

God bless each and every one of you. -Su

To Purchase the book, “The Sociopath Next Door” follow this link: https://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_c_1_16/146-8871107-3826121?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=the+sociopath+next+door&sprefix=The+sociopath+ne%2Caps%2C178&crid=1SWNH29RLB2L8

To read full articles of the excerpts I shared, or information I studied: please follow these links.

https://www.diffen.com/difference/Psychopath_vs_Sociopath

https://www.diffen.com/difference/Psychopath_vs_Sociopath

https://datingasociopath.com/sociopath-character-traits/cunning-and-manipulative/i-love-you/seducing-and-love-bombing/

https://www.powerofpositivity.com/7-warning-signs-youre-in-a-relationship-with-a-sociopath/

https://www.nextgenerationvillage.com/co-occurring-disorders/antisocial/

http://www.psychopathicwritings.com/2011/04/pcl-r-psychopathy-check-list.html

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-3379996/How-spot-psychopath-Expert-reveals-traits-look-charm-eccentricity-manipulation.html

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/antisocial-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20353928

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/articles/201305/how-spot-sociopath

https://www.elementsbehavioralhealth.com/mental-health/psychopathy-vs-antisocial-personality-disorder/

https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/features/sociopath-psychopath-difference#1

http://www.mazzastick.com/psychopaths-in-positions-of-power/

 

 

 

 

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