A Year of Healing
I love the following Buddhist Proverbs:
“When the student is ready, the teacher will appear.”
“If we are facing in the right direction, all we have to do is keep on walking.”
“Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.”
“Peace comes from within.”
That’s never been truer for me then at this point in my life, and I can only imagine that the reason you are reading this blog is because A) You’ve discovered you have Lupus. B) You have another chronic illness and want support and healing, or C) You’ve been a previous follower of mine.
To those of you who are ill, let me just say that chronic is chronic, it doesn’t matter what earthly disease we have, internally we KNOW that we must heal! Our bodies are screaming within us, “HEAL ME, HEAL ME, HEAL ME!!!” And for anyone who does know what I’m talking about, you’re probably also saying, “I’m sick to death of being sick to death!” Can I get an Amen?
So, I’m spending this year, once again on my healing path/journey. Some of the things I share with you this year may also benefit you? I pray they do. I understand some of these things won’t work for me, but that doesn’t mean they won’t work for you. So, I’ll be sharing my journey regardless. The good, the bad, the beautiful, and the ugly.
In that, let me just give my followers a quick update on my health. For those of you not interested, feel free to skip this section and head down to where you see the >. Well, my chronic pain is still under control, “thank you methotrexate!” But I’ve had some other areas of concern. Number Uno is that there is a chance I may have cancer. Nice aye? Personally I think the waiting, is worse then just knowing! If I have it, I want to know NOW… so I can kick it to the curb!
I was so naïve about this, so I’m just going to be honest and put it on here (in case any of you end up with the same issue someday).
Personally, I’m going on 4 years post-menopause, which I’m actually really happy about. I love not having periods anymore, and I’m SOOOOO excited that I no longer have hot flashes, halleluiah! But the weirdest thing happened to me the other day. I woke up, made my detox drink, did my yoga, and went to the bathroom. I’m not sure if you can comprehend how wonderful going four years without even thinking about a period is? But it’s fan-freaking-tastic! So you can understand my shock when (I’m sorry to be so blunt) I discovered I was bleeding. There you have it.
What do I do now? That was my big question. Is it ever normal to bleed post menopause? Instead of asking Google, I actually called my Dr. who in turn, directed me to my OBGYN promptly. The answer is NO btw. NO it’s NOT normal to EVER bleed post menopause. So if you do… get to your Dr. pronto. Does it automatically mean you have cancer? NO; thank God.
So, I’m at my OBGYN’s sitting in the waiting room thinking about my sons. Weird time to be thinking of them, I know… but the last time I had seen my OBGYN was when I had Joshie 26 years ago. Once my Dr. came in the room, that’s what we first talked about; my boys, AND my grandchildren (pretty cool that he delivered them too 😊) and then it was time to get down to business. He thoroughly checked me and told me he didn’t feel anything abnormal. Woot Woot! I was happy for about 2 seconds, because then he said, “I’m going to want you to have a trans-vaginal ultrasound so that we can check the thickness of your uterine wall.”
He explained to me that he would like to see my wall measurement be around 1-4mm in thickness.
“Gotcha” I said. We scheduled my ultrasound.
Fast forward a couple days after the ultrasound, and I get a phone call from his office. I answer and it was my DR. As in, my actual Dr. Not the nurse, not his office staff, but HIM. Well, that put me into a state of shock. Take it from someone who is chronically ill. Usually the only time you actually hear from your Dr. is when something is WRONG. Don’t ask me what he said because I went into shock hearing his voice. The only thing I did get out of the message was the word biopsy and that my uterine wall measures 12mm. He asked me if I had any questions? I said, “Nope, I’m just going to be praying.” And I got off the phone.
5 minutes after our phone conversation I had a zillion questions.
Fast forward to the biopsy. I told him that I hadn’t bled the past few days (like that was really going to stop him from the procedure; wishful thinking). Anyway, I had the biopsy, and it hurt. If you read up on it, and you are under the impression that it’s not going to hurt very much? I want to tell you, it hurts. Ok? No lies on this blog. Afterwards I went home, heated up my rice pack, and vedged out with my book. Surprisingly I didn’t bleed much afterwards; I was very thankful. The next morning: no bleeding. YAY ME!
Fast forward to the day I got my results. I woke up that morning did my morning ritual, went to the bathroom and I was bleeding again. So, I thought I should let the Dr. know. I called his office and left a voicemail. About two minutes later, the nurse called. While I was talking to her, someone was calling me. Thinking it was my Mom, I ignored it and made a mental note to call her after I got done talking to the nurse. When I got off the phone, I realized it was my Dr. He left me a message to call him. Why do I feel like I’m going in circles here? So I call him back, and the nurse had just finished giving him my original message. Whew. He told me that he had originally been calling to tell me my biopsy came out normal, but since I’m bleeding again this concerns him, and that we’re going to have to continue forward with a D & C. “Oh my Lawdy.” (insert cringe and eyeroll.)
“Why?” I asked him. He explained that when he’s doing a biopsy, he just cuts out a little piece of my uterine wall and sends it to the lab. But what if that little piece isn’t in the section where the cancer is? And since I’m still bleeding, there is something abnormal that hasn’t been found. Because of this he has to go in and remove the lining from my uterus. BUT FIRST, due to my health issues he needs me to come back into the office so he can check my heart and lungs. He needs to make sure they’re strong enough for the procedure.
That’s where I’m at now. I meet with him on Tuesday, so we shall see. It’s been stressful to say the least. So there lies my latest health update, lets move Onward…
>I don’t believe in resolutions, they have never worked for me. Instead I try extremely hard to follow three goals: 1) Love the Lord with all my heart, all my mind, and all my soul 2) Love my neighbor as I love myself, and 3) be better today than I was yesterday. I say try because I fail over and over again at loving myself. This year I’m focusing on that, and I’m doing this by putting my health first. Want to join me?
I think people have a ridiculously tough time loving themselves in this culture. Most of us can’t even say those words out loud. It reminds me of a few months back watching a Super-Soul Sunday Episode with Dr. Christine Northrup who told the viewers that we should look at ourselves in the mirror everyday and tell ourselves out-loud that we love ourselves. So, after watching the show I proceeded to my mirror and looked myself directly in the eye, “I love you Su, with all my heart.” Then I rolled my eyes and started laughing at myself hysterically. Luckily, I did this when Hubs wasn’t home, or he probably would have had me committed. And, I haven’t done it since…
Today I was watching the movie, You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay ( Louise Hay: Healing your life, video 1 ) and mind you, as a Life-Coach I’ve advised people to start saying affirmations (or better yet, scriptures) over and over again for years. However, when it comes to telling myself that I love myself? It’s always sounded narcissistic and unholy to me. And I hate it when I hear, “You can’t love others if you don’t love yourself”. Probably because anyone I ever heard this from was faaaaaaaar from loving themselves (or others for that matter). Which makes me want to roll my eyes back into my head. I love hearing advice from people who don’t practice what they preach (I’m being sarcastic here). Then I remind myself of my daily goal… to love others, lol. That’s what it all boils down to people. What they are saying is true; absolutely true. But now it’s time we practice it.
“Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?” Jesus replied:
“‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and
with all your soul and with all your mind.’
39And the second is like it:
‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’… Matthew 22:36-40
Post catechism, have you ever really LISTENED with your heart to the commandments when you’re reading them or hearing them in a sermon? “Love others as you love thyself?” Well, I for one would probably be locked up if I loved others the way I love myself. Or if I treated others the same way I treat myself! The things I say to myself are terrible sometimes! It’s especially hard when people have suffered abuse in their past.
So one of the first steps I’m taking toward healing myself this year is to listen to my self-talk, actually write it down, and then create positive affirmations in their place. Those are the affirmations I will use. I will also be aligning scriptures with my positive affirmations, and speaking those over and over again. Gregg Braden says that the key to affirmations is to visualize what you want while speaking them. For example, one of my affirmations is “I am healthy and my body restores and renews itself daily.” I need to actually visualize myself healthy while I’m saying these affirmations to myself. I need to be able to see my healthy self, living an active healthy life, and I need to be able to see my body renewing itself as if its in the present tense. We can’t just say an affirmations over and over and expect results. We have to say them in the present tense, and visualize them as if it’s already happening or already true. And I always thank God afterwards. “Thank you Lord for the gift of heath and renewal.”
Well, it’s time for me to start cooking hubs dinner. I will be keeping all of you in my prayers. God bless each and every one of you! You are special and you are a blessing!
If you get a chance, try to find the movie: You Can Heal Your Life. Watch it, you won’t be sorry. (It’s on FMTV Food Matters, for those of you who have it.)
Ps. Now don’t forget to go to the nearest mirror and say, “I love you ___________”. 😊