Toxic

“Toxic relationships are dangerous to your health; they will literally kill you. Stress shortens your lifespan. Even a broken heart can kill you. There is an undeniable mind-body connection. Your arguments and hateful talk can land you in the emergency room or in the morgue. You were not meant to live in a fever of anxiety; screaming yourself hoarse in a frenzy of dreadful, panicked fight-or-flight that leaves you exhausted and numb with grief. You were not meant to live like animals tearing one another to shreds. Don’t turn your hair gray. Don’t carve a roadmap of pain into the sweet wrinkles on your face. Don’t lay in the quiet with your heart pounding like a trapped, frightened creature. For your own precious and beautiful life, and for those around you — seek help or get out before it is too late. This is your wake-up call!”― Bryant McGill

German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche said, “That which does not kill us, makes us stronger”. And there have been studies to prove his theory correct. I personally believe that the only way that one can become stronger is to change tracks. In other words, quit getting run over by the same train.

My Gram always said, “God helps those who help themselves”. And, Mom was good at drilling Grams message through my thick head. In other words, only God and you can save yourself. That doesn’t mean to close yourself off to vulnerability, or not to give people chances, etc. But it does mean that we are the sum of our final choices. If we don’t like where we are? Than only we can change it.

There was a time in my life that I let fear control me. During this time, I had to make a hard decision that I believed would protect me and my children. It was a very scary time for me, and I felt very alone. In fact, if I hadn’t had my sister and best friend at the time, then I don’t know if I would have made it through that period. My decision led me down a road of pain, to the point of a breakdown. I just couldn’t handle any more pain in my life. Part of my issue was reeling from evil I left behind, and the other part was reeling from being an empath. Empaths “feel” everything, and when the people around me are suffering, and I’m unable to ease or control their pain… I feel it. I was feeling their pain, and my own, while trying to remain strong for all of us. I hadn’t learned how to balance that yet by reconnecting to my lifeforce. The result was a breakdown.

I lost my life savings fighting for my children, only to have the court systems fail me over and over again. I actually ended up getting full legal and physical custody, only to have the police not stand by me when I needed them the most. And PPO’s? Are nothing but paper to be laughed at. I’ve stared evil in the face so many times, that the dark scared me. I kept things from my babies to protect them, only to have everything blow up in “my” face. Listen, I get it.

Some of you think that I’m exaggerating. But for every person out there who’s rolling their eyes at me? There’s someone else who has ALSO seen evil face-to-face, who knows exactly what I’m talking about. You’ve married a psychopath? You’re living with a narcissist? You were molested by your father or mother? Your priest had his way with you?  Your husband who’s a police officer beats the crap out of you? You’re a prisoner in your own home (literally). You’ve been sex-trafficked? You ran away only to find yourself on the streets, with no where to go? The person who you thought was your friend, shared drugs with you and now you’re addicted? You lost your children because they sided with your abuser?

Maybe you have no one to reach out to who believes you? Maybe you feel like you have no where to run, or no one who understands? Here’s the deal… they don’t understand. They will tell you to go to a therapist, someone who can help you battle your PTSD… and while you’re telling your therapist your story you notice their face turning to a sheet of white from the horror of it all. I’m sorry, you can go to school and get that diploma on your wall, but it’s very different when you’re not just reading a case study. Nothing prepares a counselor to handle these kinds of situations unless they’ve actually looked evil in the eye. I’m not talking about hard times. I’m talking about actual evil. I’m not saying we shouldn’t get therapy, but we need to do the work. It’s up to us.

I understand, because I’ve lived in fear. I went to bed night after night in fear for my kids, and I. Not only that, but the two people I cared most about turned on me. They protected the man who all but killed me. They defended him in court. They laughed at me. They didn’t want me as their mother. They even hated me. Maybe they still do? I don’t know. But I can tell you that THAT is what broke me. He didn’t break me, but my babies did. Until one night when something magical happened. All of a sudden, I remembered that I was a child of God, and that He knows the truth. I remembered that good overcomes evil, and that you can only fight darkness with light. You can only fight evil with God. Love, light, forgiveness, kindness, and prayer… lots of prayer. There is a reason we are taught in the bible to put on the full-armor of God. And I have to remind myself to do it daily. Even if I lost everything I loved, and I mean everything… I would still have God. God would still be holding me, protecting me, and loving me. And that is all that matters. Because I know that on our final day, everyone will know the truth. I don’t have to prove myself to anyone, and I’m no longer plagued with fear.

And let me just add that when I say “forgive”, I don’t mean to pretend like it never happened… because I’ve been doing that for years and it DOESN’T WORK. I don’t mean to even tell them you forgive them. In fact, you should never forgive someone who doesn’t admit what they did. Never forgive someone who doesn’t repent and ask for your forgiveness.

Instead, forgive as in no longer allowing yourself to live in his/her hate. Don’t allow yourself to live in the evil acts they did to you… as if they’re happening to you in the present tense. Forgive: as in acknowledging it but handing the fear and the power over to God.

Don’t allow yourself to be controlled by the people you’re afraid to lose. Because if you’re afraid to lose them, then you don’t really have them to begin with. Let them go and continue to lift them in prayer. Because all things are possible with God. God can heal and restore any relationship he WANTS to have restored. And if you lose the people you love? You have to have faith that there is a reason for it. God may be protecting you from something. Just continue to love them and pray for them from a distance.

I remember laying in bed in fear. I was praying, praying, and praying some more. I was laying in the fetal position, and the tears were a waterfall down my cheeks. I just felt God asking me, what is the worst thing that can happen? Why are you so afraid?  I answered: I could lose my boys. I could lose my life. I could lose the people in this world that I love most.

All at once I felt a sense of calm come over me. I felt him say that even if my physical life was taken from me… evil would never kill my soul… my spirit. Because my spirit will be living in all eternity with him and my loved ones. And, regardless if the people I love the most, love me back? Truth will be shown/known on each of our final days… all will be known and understood. He wants me to: continue praying for my loved ones, and continue living a life full of love, light, compassion, and truth. He also said, put on his full armor daily and live in HIS strength, not my own. Because I’m absolutely nothing without him.

I think it’s important we stay away from toxic people, even if it’s our family.

Do not be deceived: “Bad company ruins good morals.” 1 Corinthians 15:33

Make no friendship with a man given to anger, nor go with a wrathful man, Proverbs 22:24

That being said, I understand how extremely hard this is, because there are many numerous factors involved. But in all honesty? We know the people who are two-faced and talk behind our backs. The people who tell us one thing, and really mean another. They may think we’re stupid and naïve… that they have us fooled, but God shows us truth. Love them and pray for them from a distance. Don’t listen to their “words” but watch their “actions”. If someone really loves us, they will want to be a part of our life. They will visit us without draining us in negativity. They will ask us to do things with them, not just ask us for favors. They will call us to check in. They will keep their word, and not disrespect our time and energy. They will speak us up, instead of tearing us down. They will text you… and actually answer your text. They will pray for us during challenging times. This all goes without question. Friendships and relationships have an ease about them. If you find yourself always being fearful about what you say to a person? That’s a good clue that your relationship is not a healthy one. That goes for family, friends, and spouses/partners/love interest.

I hope you all have a beautiful day! God bless each and every one of you.

xo,

-Coach Su

“Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.” Ephesians 6:13-17

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