There’s a Whisper in my Soul…

“Elegance is a glowing inner peace. Grace is an ability to give as well as to receive and be thankful. Mystery is a hidden laugh always ready to surface! Glamour only radiates if there is a sublime courage & bravery within: glamour is like the moon; it only shines because the sun is there.”
C. JoyBell C.

“You wake up every morning to fight the same demons that left you so tired the night before, and that, my love, is bravery.” – unknown 

“Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all.” – Dale Carnegie

“You are strong when you know your weaknesses. You are beautiful when you appreciate your flaws. You are wise when you learn from your mistakes.” – unknown

“You either get bitter or you get better. It’s that simple. You either take what has been dealt to you and allow it to make you a better person, or you allow it to tear you down. The choice does not belong to fate, it belongs to you.” – Josh Shipp

My Grandma and Momma ingrained in me from infancy that there is always a reason for everything. Never did I complain to my elders without hearing that there are reasons behind the doings of the world and/or the struggles of the human’s who are confined within it. There are reasons.

i’ve been a Christian Philosopher since youth, Lol. Momma tells me I’ve been a deep thinker since birth. I trust God and live by faith, but I’m continually thinking of the bigger picture, the bigger why.

It’s a silent whisper within me. It can be something random, example: If there’s a car speeding in front of me, I pray that he/she doesn’t get in an accident or hurt someone. But then my brain starts thinking of all the why’s. Why is he/she speeding? Is there spouse or child being admitted to the emergency room? Did their elderly parent/grandparent lock themselves outside of their home? Is their boss demanding, and they’re in fear of losing their job if they’re late? Did their flight departure change? Etc.

It can be crazy living in my brain, lol. I’m constantly thinking, questioning, rewinding, dissecting.

“What’s wrong Su? Are you mad at me?” My friends started asking me this as far back as elementary school. And I realized they asked me this when I was deep in thought. They told me I looked mad. My mother would tell me I looked mad. Everyone would tell me I looked mad. I wasn’t mad at all, I was thinking. But I guess I frown a tad when I’m deep in thought. I now have a wrinkle between my eyebrows to prove it. Ha!

I have to say that the whisper in my soul has gotten louder since becoming chronically ill. I didn’t think that my thought process could dive any deeper, but nowadays I zone out “a lot”. I’m in deeper thought for even longer periods of time. For the first time in my life, I like to listen instead of talk. I notice things around me with much more enthusiasm. The color of the trees, and of our Michigan lakes. The color of all the beautiful flowers in bloom. The sunsets, and sunrises. The color of people’s eyes, and their facial characteristics when they laugh or crack a joke. Did you know that the whisper in your soul gets louder when you’re still? If you meditate, you most likely understand what I’m saying. You find your authenticity.

My soul went from hyperactivity to stillness. It took me a long time to learn to live this way, as it’s in direct conflict with one another. I went from loudness to quietness. From talking to listening. From blaming to forgiving (myself AND others).

For the longest time I thought that if I got my rest, took my meds, and did everything that the Dr. said, I would get all better. However, I realize now that Lupus is a life sentence. Unless God takes it completely away from me, my body will be fighting against itself until the day I’m finally living with our Lord. The struggle is real, but the end result is worth it.

I’m not going to lie; my life hasn’t been an easy one. But God knew before I was born every dumb thing I’d do, every unwise choice I’d make, and he loved me and forgave me for it all. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been on my knees crying out to God, or how many times I’ve had to pick myself back up when I wondered how I’d ever go on. But I knew I would and could because I’ve learned (the hard way) to keep faith that better days are ahead. I know they are. Without a doubt in my mind. If not here, then in my heavenly home. And, I know that better days are ahead for you too.

I also know that there are plenty more smiles and laughs in my lifetime. I know there will be endless love and hugs for my family. And, that it is my sole mission on earth to let them know just how much I love them.

I know there will be more beautiful, intimate times with my husband. The certain smile he only shares with me. The communication between us by just using our eyes. Hand-holding, walks, hugs, and long talks over dinner. These are the most important things to me. Regardless of my chronic illness, these can still be the best of times.

In 1859 Charles Dickens wrote: “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times…” (Tale of Two Cities, about the French Revolution.) This could be said in today’s world also. And guess what? It could be said of every era. But we can’t think about the tough times. We must focus on our blessings.

Through my years, and years, and years of deep thinking, I’ve come up with three things that have always given me true happiness when applied. And I mean TRUE HAPPINESS. 1) Love, love, love 2) Counting my blessings, and 3) Thanking God for 1&2!

Amen.

All three of these are disciplines btw. It’s extremely hard to love when one isn’t feeling loved or is feeling angry. Counting our blessings is not something we do until we literally make a habit of counting them. AND, thanking God is a must, therefore, we must discipline ourselves to do so until it’s a natural part of our being. I’m in such a habit of thanking Him, that I do it all day long, over everything. But it wasn’t always the case. There’s a reason for the scripture “give thanks in all circumstances; for
this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” 1 Thessalonians 5:18. It not only brings Glory to God, but it also teaches us to see Him in ALL things.

When I first became sick, I didn’t know how to live. I could no longer keep a job because I was sick more than healthy. I could no longer volunteer because I could no longer be reliable. I could no longer go to the gym or go out dancing because it would tax my immune system so greatly that I could end up bed-bound for weeks. So many things were taken away from me, that I no longer recognized the woman staring back at me in the mirror. I went back-and-forth between anger and depression.

The depression stirred me to silence. Like a witch stirring her cauldron. I became numb.

I have to admit my silence first began from no longer caring. From pretty-much giving up. I’m sure any of you who’ve experienced depression are aware of what I’m talking about. But then I started allowing myself to feel again. My numbness began subsiding. I became ultra-aware of my surroundings, my body, my soul. The deep love I have for my family. I began discovering new ways of showing that love. The whisper in my soul became much clearer and directed me toward a new way of living. I learned that although I’ll never have the life I once had, that doesn’t mean that my new life can’t be even better. I must live in faith that it will be. I must live in faith that it is.

God bless each and every one of you,

Su

(Image was taken from bing images, and was created by Florian Nicolle; artist)

2 thoughts on “There’s a Whisper in my Soul…

  1. There’s a Whisper in my Soul is beautifully written, Su. You are a talented writer. Keep the faith. God Bless.

    Like

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